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Diary of a junkie: Maybe it’s time I stop smoking weed

31/1/2017

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Picture
​By Garnet


Life consists of two days...one for you, and one against you. When it’s for you, make the most of it. When it’s against you, learn your lesson, pick up the pieces and move on.


We had narrowly escaped the snares of jail, and one would think we’ll have the brains to step on the brakes for at least a little while, but we felt as though we could trample on the world and don’t away with anything.


Or wait, they felt like they could trample in the world and do away with anything. I was just an innocent victim who was yet to find her voice...or so I thought.


The ride back to Stephen’s place that night was a quiet one. There were no arguments, or sharp retorts now and again. Everyone wore this sullen look, and for a brief second I wondered why.


I mean we were almost arrested, but by stroke of pure luck, we were on our way to warm beds, that’s supposed to put our hyperactive selves on overdrive.


Well, who am I? For one, I was enjoying the quiet, so...


Stephen brought the car to a stop, and we all came down and went inside.


Light bulb!


Abeg, Stephen way the lush?


Oga Steve, hope say liquor day this house? If not enter motor go buy come we day wait you.


I was taken aback. So, what happened on the drive home? Where they feeling remorseful they were pulled over, or? And if so, what happened the second we stepped inside the house? These guys I thought to myself. Well, good thing they were back. The rest of the night would pass in glory. Yay!


"Imagine those policemen o, See me way never see cell before? Chai!" That was Collins.


While they busy going on about the events of the evening, from the small fracas at Blinks, to the encounter with the policemen, I went into the kitchen to rustle up something.


I knew with smoking comes hunger. And these guys wouldn’t mind sending me to the kitchen irrespective of the time. The only thing there was to cook at that time without stress was spaghetti. I boiled two packs, microwaved the stew and joined the guys in the sitting room.


To make the night more calming, they were watching wrestling. What better way to relax in the evening... Who among you is a wrestling fanatic I was about to ask when my eyes caught what was before me.


What in God’s name was going on here? Where these guys on a suicide mission? If yes, I wasn’t about to join that ride. The incident from the club just replayed before my eyes. No. No. No. I’ll take a rain check on this one.


My dismay must have shown on my face cause Brown looked at me and broke out laughing.


"Yes o. You try. Laugh me well. If you want to kill yourself, go right ahead, but leave me out of it."


"Calm down jor. It’s just paper and grass. Stop getting yourself worked up. Steve, you never tell her say I day always get my way?"


"Not this time bro. Leave her alone. She’ll do what her strength can carry. Come sit by me babe.”


The grip on my wrist was enough to make them wobbly. "Christ! Brown, let me go" I cried.


"To where? Sit here jor. You’ll be fine. After all, we all have our stash, and bottles. Why you acting like an overgrown baby? Besides, we’re indoors. If you get tired you could always go sleep."


I could see that there was no point arguing with him. His resolve was final, and there was nothing anyone could do or say about it.


Crap! When was I going to build this weak will power of mine? Or at least learn to say NO with finality?


Well, I’ll figure out that answer later.


I took my seat beside Brown, and noticed Stephen had also come to sit close to us. So much so that I was in between the two of them. I felt a lot better, and relaxed.


Each of us had about 50 rolls, our very own lighter and ashtray, and bottles of royal challenge.


Knock out night!


Funky and Collins had been unusually quiet. Saying not more than two or three words at a time, but they were generally OK you could see.


We were all enjoying the wrestling match, and fighting alongside. Slowly, the two guys; Collins and Funky joined the pack, and the noise could pull-down Stephen"s roof, but who cares?


I didn’t check the time, but after the events of the night, we got home at about 2:00 or 2:15am. So how come it’s still 3:15am? Did anyone pause time, or? Whatever.


The game was still on, but we had lost interest. There was this movie Stephen got a while back we were yet to see, Lone survivor.


Collins had brought it out earlier, he just stood up and slotted it in.


It was an action packed movie, and it was very interesting. Few minutes into the action, we were acting alongside the actors, trying to guess the next scene before it unfolds, and of course failing miserably, but who cares? We were having the time of our lives.


One glance down, I noticed that I had burnt more than 20 rolls of paper and grass according to Brown, and my bottle was way below half.


"Did you share this things with me?" I was forced to ask Stephen.


Before he could answer, Brown broke out in serious laughter.


"Few hours ago, you were acting like you were being punished. Now, who follow you finish am? Na so una go day form". We all laughed at his joke and cast our gazes back to the movie.


"You guys hungry?" I asked after noticing Collins dozing on the other end of the room.


"No".


We continued to see the movie, and it was getting even more interesting. Shooting! Bombing!


The sound of guns and bombs, and blades of planes. The flash, and rise of dust. I felt like I was acting the movie with them. I wasn’t feeling too good. The earlier I found a bed, the better. I made to Steve when Brown brought me back down.


Oh Christ! Who was this dude? I cast a pleading look to Steve, and he pulled me close to himself when I opened the flood gates of heaven. Or should I say hell...?


Before my head touched Steve"s shoulder, I had puked all over.


My head was heavy, but I distinctly remember thinking that I had puked on Brown.
Shit! What have I done? Like a flash, Stephen was up and I was in his arms. He took me to his room, stripped me, and left me in the bath.


The cold drops beat my back and sent shivers down my spine, but it was just what I needed.


"Stay there while I clean up the sitting room.”


I opened my mouth to say something but no words were coming out.


I just sat there and enjoyed the cold water. I made to stand, but remained where I was.


My head was hurting. It felt like I was carrying Stephen’s house.


He was back. Wrapped me in my towel, and carried me to the room.


"how you feeling?"


Brown? What was he doing here?


"Collins, where"s the garri?"


Collins? I thought he was sleeping already?


I shut my eyes tight. I wasn’t ready for that pity party. Besides, even if I tried to open the eyes, I’ll not be able to. The migraine was in control of my whole face, and it wasn’t funny at all.


Someone was spoon feeding me a very tasteless smoked garri, but I couldn’t complain in that state.


I have no idea how long it took, but silence.


I opened my eyes to steal a peek and found I was alone. Finally!


I tried to sleep, but sleep wasn’t forthcoming.


Tears. Where were they coming from? Oh God, not tonight. I already have so much to deal with.


For how long will I continue to embarrass Stephen I thought to myself. He’s been nothing but a nice guy, and I’ve been a complete headache. I was tossing and turning, trying to sleep through the pain and tears, trying to shut the voices of regrets going on and on in my mind.


I knew I had to change. I really had to put a stop to this madness. I was loosing my way gradually, and I doubt that I could find my way back. That was what I was thinking of when sleep claimed me.


If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.

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My AFCON Memories: Did Westerhof really turn us around in ‘90?

31/1/2017

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PictureRashidi Yekini was clearly a star of Nigeria's Algiers 90 team
After the disappointment of losing out to Cameroon in the 1988 final, Nigeria was on the march again for the 1990 tournament qualifiers.



It was easy to dispatch Guinea and Zimbabwe to qualify for the AFCON but then, midway into the year, 1989, Paul Hamilton, who was coach of the Eagles was replaced with Clemens Westerhof.


Westerhof was in charge of Nigeria’s final World Cup Qualifying match in Yaounde against Cameroon; a game we needed to at least draw to be at the World Cup but Nigeria lost by a lone goal.


That was an era where the Green Eagles players, especially those based in Europe made unreasonable demands to play for the team.


Sometimes, word on the streets had it that they got appearance fees of $2000 just to report for an Eagles’ game.


Then there was the issue of the captain of the team, Stephen Keshi flying in and out of Morocco in a private jet two years earlier before Anderlecht released him and it seemed he wanted a similar arrangement for Algiers 90.


Other players just could not convince their clubs to release them so life was going to be tough for Nigeria and Clemens Westerhof.


That was an era where FIFA was yet to get strict on clubs releasing players to feature for their countries and with the AFCON in March, it was always going to be difficult for these clubs in Europe to release their players.


Westerhof would have none of it. He would not want the Europe based players holding the nation to ransom and he also would not have the European clubs choosing to do what they will over the players so he played a joker.


Nigeria played in the ECOWAS Cup in Kaduna against Senegal and Cote D’Ivoire and little did Nigerians know that Westerhof was planning to drop most of the Eagles’ regulars and build a new team of home based players.


When the final list for the AFCON was announced, the only people who were not shocked were probably Clemens Westerhof and his assistants.


Out went Peter Rufai, Austin Eguavoen, Stephen Keshi, Uche Okafor, Sunday Eboigbe, Uche Okafor, Henry Nwosu, Osaro Obobaifor, Humphrey Edobor, Etim Esin, Samson Siasia etc and rather Nigerians, especially those who did not follow the league saw some really strange names.


Alloy Agwu, Aminu Abdul, Andrew Uwe, Okechukwu Uche, Tajudeen Oyekanmi, Thompson Oliha, Emma Okocha, Ayo Ogunlana, Bauldwin Bazuaye, Moses Kpakor, Daniel Amokachi, Rashidi Yekini, Ben Iroha, Herbert Anijekwu, Isaac Semitoje, Friday Elaho, Wasiu Ipaye, mostly unknown elements would fly Nigeria’s flag at the AFCON.


Nigerians were no doubt apprehensive but it was the AFCON and we would still have our hopes high anyway.


I still remember watching that game at home that evening.


I had been an avid follower of the Nigerian League since 1983 so I knew most of the players Westerhof had chosen to play at the AFCON but my fear was whether they were up to it.


I loved the Nigerian League to bits and its products, but surely these players were not better than those dropped, but we kept our fingers crossed.


The opening game and the Algerians were all over us.


The staring line up of Alloy Agwu, Abdul Aminu, Andrew Uwe, Okechukwu Uche, Tajudeen Oyekanmi, Thompson Oliha and later Emma Okocha, Ayo Ogunlana and later Bauldwin Bazuaye, Moses Kpakor and Rashidi Yekini were out of their depths and they fell like a pack of cards as the Eagles fell 5-1.


Cherrif Oudjani, Djamel Menad, El Ouzzani and Rabah Madjah ran rings around the team that seemed like a bunch of amatuers.


The media went gaga as every one, or at least most people had a new derogatory word to use on Clemens Westerhof for that embarrassment.


If twitter existed then, the hash tag, WesterhofOut would have trended easily.


I still remember reading an article by Segun Odegbami who said Westerhof had taken Nigerian football thirty years back.


If Westerhof was a Nigerian coach, he would have been sacked right there in Algiers but he had developed a tough skin and they said he was working with the vice president of the country at that time, Rear Admiral Augustus Aikhomu so he did not have much regard for the NFA chairman or Sports Minister.


Nigeria from that point on played the most conservative brand of football ever known to man, winning their next two group games by the slimmest of margins, 1-0 against Egypt, scored by Rashidi Yekini and 1-0 against Cote D’Ivoire scored by, no need to guess, Rashidi Yekini.


It seemed the instruction from Westerhof to the midfielders, Ayo Ogunlana, Moses Kpakor, and Thompson Oliha as well as the wingers, Emma Okocha and Friday Elaho was, “What ever you want to do with the ball, just pass or cross to Yekini.”


After the loss to Algeria, Westerhof dropped Andrew Uwe from the central defence and brought in Rangers International rookie, Herbert Anijekwu to partner with Okechukwu Uche and it brought more sanity in the defence.


By the semi final game against Zambia, a new one, Wasiu Ipaye who played for First Bank FC was thrown in and his cross for Rashidi Yekini to score the second goal for the Eagles was sublime.


Nigeria was in the final again; her 4th final in 10 years and the natives were dreaming again.


Some people actually thought Nigeria would win the Cup. We were to play again against Algeria, the chaps who mauled us 5-1 in the opening match.


Westerhof would not be humiliated again.


He played three central defenders, Isaac Semitoje, Okechukwu Uche and Andrew Uwe.


He also had Ayo Ogunlana and Moses Kpakor who were like deep lying play makers. Clemense Westerhof obviously did not thinking winning this game was as important as not losing it.


That was his mission- not to lose.


The Algerians huffed and puffed but there was no space to operate. Rabah Madjer was man marked and it was the most suffocating kind of football I had ever seen a Nigerian national team play.


However, the Algerians found some space in the 38th minute and Oudjani scored. That was the only goal of the game.


We did not have a full strength team but we got to the final and most of all, Nigerian football would be better with players like Okechukwu Uche, Moses Kpakor, Herbert Anijekwu and Daniel Amokachi coming coming into the fold.


My AFCON memories continue with Senegal 92.

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All men are still very much scum

30/1/2017

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This is the second offering from my Men are scum series and as usual it is a true story. I have just changed the names and locations so no one can guess the real characters in this tale.

Now Andrew had dated Jessica for about five years and they planned to get married at some point in their lives.

However, as life and fate would have it, they seemed not compatible with each other.

While Andrew thought Jessica was cheating on him and did not show respect, she felt Andrew was not posh enough for a girl of her status so they officially broke up and went their separate ways.

A new life

One year after they broke up, Andrew met Yemisi, asked her out and they started dating.

They had dated for six months and starting planning to get married.

At this time in his life, Andrew had forgotten all about Jessica who was now in his past.

But one day, about two years after he broke up with Jessica, he received a call from her.

They had not spoken since they broke up so he wondered what was up that she eventually called him.

She simply asked if he was at home and she wanted to come over to see him, a request he did not turn down.

They just talked, caught up on old times and had drinks at his place.

She teased him about having a new girlfriend and he replied in the affirmative, even telling her the name of his new girl, Yemisi and she teased him about it.

By the time they were done, Jessica, made overtures to him and the day ended in both of them having sex.

Truth be told, Andrew did not regret cheating on his girl friend with his former girlfriend, because according to him, “She may be a lot of bad things but that aspect of her life was great.”

Having broken the ice, so to say, Jessica began to show up at his house two or sometime three times a week just to have sex.

She would turn up some time before noon and leave just about 3pm and this new life style went on for almost one year.

Andrew’s girlfriend never got to know this because she only came over to his place weekends while Jessica would come on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Suddenly, about one year into his renewed fling with his ex, she made a startling revelation.

Just after their usual bout of sex, she asked him if he had any idea what she had been doing in the two years since they broke up and he said he had no idea.

“You mean you broke up with me and did not care what I was doing and suddenly one year later I turn up at your house and you have been having sex with me all along?” she asked.

“Well, I am a man and sometimes we do not really care about such things. You came back, you know I have a girl friend which did not bother you and you decided to continue sexually with me so I did not mind.

“The truth is I did not need a history class with you, but if you want to tell me what you have been up to then I am all ears,” Andrew said.

Jessica just stretched forward, grabbed her handbag that was on the floor, opened it and brought out her wedding ring and wore them on her wedding finger.

“What is the meaning of this?” Andrew asked.

“Well, you said you did not want to know and you just wanted the sex. Did you ever stop to ask why I only came to visit you before noon and left just before four o clock?

“Did you ever wonder why I never visited you on weekends? No it was not important, just the sex. Well, I have been married for more than one year now but my husband does not do it like you and that was why I came back to you.”

Andrew could not believe what he was hearing and immediately got a headache.

“You are an evil girl. How could you do this? So I have been sleeping with another man’s wife? Why? He asked.

“Didn’t you enjoy it? Now you know I am married, do you want to stop? We can still continue o. I just told you so it would not surprise you if you hear it later.”

Andrew could not believe what he was hearing. He was so angry and could have resorted to beating her up but he realised that violence would solve nothing and would just expose what he had done to the world. Who would believe he didn’t know all along.

His head was pounding he felt filthy and abused.

All Men are Scum!


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My AFCON Memories: After Maroc 88, I now hate Cameroon

20/1/2017

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PictureAdemola Adesina, Sunday Eboigbe, Samuel Okwarawaji, Stephen Keshi, Peter Rufai and Coach Yussuf Salami.
The way the Nigeria Football Association, NFA ran the body ensured we did not make it to the AFCON in Egypt in 1986 and no be today wey those people begin to ruin our football.


Some time in 1985 the news broke that the NFA had suspended five key players of the Green Eagles for events that I thought, as a teenager then did not make any sense.


Stephen Keshi, Sunday Eboigbe, Bright Omokaro, Henry Nwosu and Clement Temile did not report to the national team on time for a Green Eagles game and Air Commodore Tony Ikhazoboh, the chairman of the NFA at that time used military might to suspend the players.


They were not supposed to take part in any form of football activity for a period of time.


These players formed the bedrock of the Green Eagles at the time and it was like the USA 94 Super Eagles at the World Cup without Rashidi Yekini, Daniel Amokachi, Okechukwu Uche, Emmanuel Amuneke and George Finidi. Yes, it would have spelled disaster.


I was in my 3rd year in secondary school then and I remembered discussing this event with Samuel Ogali and Ovie Ughuanogho (who incidentally was a fan of NNB FC based in Benin).


NNB had won the West Africa Football Union Cup twice in a row and were on the verge of winning it a 3rd consecutive time. They were also in contention to win the League having finished 2nd the previous season.


They also thought there was a plan by some people above to deny them of the title by taking their very best players away when they had crucial League games to play.


For every Green Eagles game, at least nine NNB players were called up- Wilfred Agbonivbare, Stephen Keshi, Sunday Eboigbe, Bright Omokaro, Austin Popo, Samson Ozogula, Henry Nwosu, Clement Temile and Humphrey Edobor.


At least 7 of these would start for the national team so it was not like these players were just being invited to deplete the team, they were actually the best the country had at the time.


The people in Benin did not like it hence these five players mysteriously failing to turn up.


No doubt they had their reasons, like one claiming he went to visit his sick mother and things like that but the Association had wielded the big stick.


According to Rufai, “Keshi was a super patriot. Towards the end of 1984, we had secretly gone to train and join Tottenham of England, but Keshi reasoned that we should return to Nigeria because the NFA badly needed us for a game.


“When we returned to Nigeria, Keshi headed for Benin and arrived camp late, while I went straight to the Lagos camp. That was how I managed to escape that suspension. His family was then in Benin and he had to see them before coming to camp. So, I believe the NFA was hasty in suspending him.


But it seemed like the players decided to stay back in Benin and help their club prosecute a League game before reporting to the Green Eagles camp.


No doubt axing these key players went a long way to prevent the country from qualifying for the World Cup as the team only managed to beat Tunisia 1-0 in Lagos and then lose 2-0 in Tunis, but that may not have been the only reason we did badly.


Looking at the records, the Eagles went ahead to win a couple of World and AFCON Qualifiers without the players involved then ahead of the crucial game against Tunisia, three were recalled, still leaving Stephen Keshi and Henry Nwosu out.


Now let’s face it, Keshi and Nwosu were two of Nigeria’s most influential players at the time and leaving them out of the team for a crucial game would surely affect the harmony in the team.


The NFA was in complete shambles.


First, the coach of the team, Chris Udemezue was sacked after Nigeria failed to qualify for the World Cup in July 1985, forgetting we had an important AFCON qualifier against Zambia in August, one month later.


In what would turn out to be Muda Lawal’s last games for the country, a hurriedly arranged Green Eagles coached by Patrick Ekeji managed to draw 0-0 against Zambia in Lagos and lose 1-0 in Lusaka.


Henry Nwosu was recalled for that game as a couple of Nigeria’s foreign based contingent who were rare at the time like Emeka Nwajiobi, John Chiedozie, Okey Isimia and Sylvanus Okpalla decided not to turn up for the game against Zambia.


It was a shambolic Green Eagles outing as the likes of Henry Nwosu were seen trying to do more than necessary on the pitch to ensure Nigeria wins, at least in Lagos but it just was not to be.


This sad showing ensured that Muda Lawal did not get into the record books as the first man to play in six Africa Cup of Nations tournaments.


That was how we missed out on Egypt in 1986, but Nigeria was back in the AFCON hosted by Morocco in 1988.


There were a few returnees from our 1986 team like Peter Rufai, Yisa Sofoluwe, Ademola Adeshina, Sunday Eboigbe, Bright Omokaro, Henry Nwosu, Rashidi Yekini, Humphrey Edobor and Stephen Keshi. Yes! Keshi was back.


Between his suspension and now he had done well for himself.


Keshi knew he could not stay suspended so he had moved to Abidjan to play for Stade d'Abidjan and then ASEC Mimosas before leaving to Belgium to play for Anderletch FC.


He had also turned the godfather to many of his contemporaries as he opened the doors to a lot of them in Belgium. The likes of Ademola Adeshina, Osaro Obobaifor, Austin Eguavoen and Humphrey Edobor had soon joined him in Belgium. There was a mass exodus.


There were also a few new additions to our team like Andrew Uwe, who was at the U20 World Cup in Russia in 1985, Samuel Okwaraji, who just appeared out of the blues, Ndubuisi Okosieme, whose father, Cyril played in goal for the Eagles in the late 60s and early 70s, Folorunsho Okenla, Austin Eguavoen and Mike Obiku.


The team looked decent enough and having watching every qualifying game they had played, I was sure we would win the AFCON for the first time since 1980.


We easily dispatched Kenya 3-0 with goals from Rashidi Yekini, Humphrey Edobor and Ndubuisi Okosieme.


Then we drew 1-1 against Cameroon and it was Sam Okwaraji that scored.


Now, let me digress a bit. In 1988, I was a freshman at the University of Port Harcourt and would not miss an Eagles’ game for anything in the world.


We needed to qualify for the Olympic Games and we had to play Algeria home and away in January before the AFCON that would start in March and I remembered watching the first leg in Annaba on TV where we lost 1-0 and I saw some things that impressed me.


First, Stephen Keshi, my hero was back and he held the defence well with Sunday Eboigbe, Bright Omokaro and Austin Eguavoen, but it was what Thompson Oliha did in midfield I could never forget.


He was all over the place, covering every blade of grass and ensuring the Algerians had a hard time going through.


However, in the 2nd leg in Enugu, there was no Thompson Oliha anywhere in the starting line up, which was a surprise, we had Sam Okwaraji, a fellow most of us hadn’t heard of until that time.


Who was Sam Okwaraji and why was he playing ahead of Thompson Oliha?


I remember that day well as though it was yesterday. Stuck in school and not being able to get home, I had to go to the common room of Male hostel C in Choba Park to watch the game.


Okwaraji seemed the real deal. His touches were deft and he seemed a very intelligent midfielder, such we hadn’t seen since Muda Lawal a few years back.


So when he was back at the AFCON and scoring against Cameroon, it was something worthy of celebrating.


Final group match against Egypt ended goaless and it was Algeria in the semi final.


That one ended 1-1, Belgherbi scoring against his side but the most memorable thing in that game was the red card given to Ademola Adeshina at some point in the game.


With all the Algerian substitutions done, Bright Omokaro injured an Algerian, Djamel Menad and restored the numbers to 10:10.


From that game in 1988 until this day, Bright Omokaro has been known as ten-ten based on his tackle that reduced the Algerians to ten players.


I met Omokaro sometime in 2008 and he told me it was the coach of the team, German Manfried Hoener who gave him the instruction to injure an Algerian player.


We were in the final again and we had Cameroon who had beaten us in 1984.


From that 1984 team were Peter Rufai, Stephen Keshi, Ademola Adeshina, Sunday Eboigbe, Henry Nwosu, Humphrey Edobor and Rashidi Yekini.


Surely they had enough revenge in their blood to make Nigerians happy, or didn’t they?


Well, Henry Nwosu scored what we all thought was a genuine goal but the flag went for offside.


Keshi hit the cross bar with a free kick and then Roger Milla was brought down in the box and the referee gave a penalty which was converted by Emmanuel Kunde and we had lost to Cameroon again.


Note that at the time of the AFCON, FIFA had not reached a plan where players had to play for their countries if invited. A lot of Europe based Africans would miss the AFCON because of club commitments, but Keshi hatched a plan with Anderlecth where he flew a private jet between games.


He was however only able to play two of the AFCON games for Nigeria, incidentally, both against Cameroon.


In my life time I had experienced just two AFCONs that Nigeria played in, and in both of them, Nigeria was in the final and both times and lost to the same team? I hate Cameroon and I hate Hayatou.


My AFCON memories continue with how Clemens Westahof turned the Super Eagles around in nine months.















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Couples That Fart Together… Slay Together

18/1/2017

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Picture
Debo Popoola
Love is a beautiful thing we all know. When you are in love, the silliest and oddest things become fun and romantic.

Love turns a super-hard guy to a mumu; love turns a high temper diehard lady to a dundee; it transforms us to another person entirely from who we used to be. Love is magical; love it fantastical, so also is fart!

Now, let us look at one thing couple who are truly in love do that ordinarily would have triggered anger between them.

Wait first! Let me tell you the truth. If you are with your partner and you fart, a very loud elongated guttural fart that shakes the earth like a volcanic eruption, and he or she gets angry with you, please biko, you have not found true love o.


Get that straight. You need to change him or her and find someone who will laugh and tell you that the smell of your fart is the best thing that has ever happened to him or her.

Where is love if we cannot communicate with each other with that sonorous ringtone from the anal tunnel?

Now let’s differentiate between normal fart and romantic fart.

Normal farts are irritating and awkward you should not release them where there are people else you want to receive curses from the pit of hell on your head – people are angry with the economic situation of things so don’t add to their wahala; but romantic fart is cool and tender, it carries loads of affection and love and should be released only when you are with someone that you truly love and loves you equally.

Normal fart may carry offensive odor that will irritate anyone that perceives it, but romantic fart, even if it smell like rotten egg, will pass as the best perfume – the sosorobia perfume from Mali – to your lover.

Lastly, normal fart can embarrass you when you release it anyhow, but romantic fart, when released when you are with your lover alone, gives your honor and respect, it is a sign of freedom and trust.

Now, having differentiated between normal fart and romantic fart, I can now proceed to why couples should fart together in a communicative way.

Couples that fart together, that is, couples that use fart as a means of romantic communication will last longer together than those that do not fart together.

If you fart in the presence of bae, and he or she gives you an affirmative nod that says “Welldonesir!” and accompanies it with a clap, you are very lucky because he or she will not get angry easily on flimsy things.

But mind you, he or she will revenge, and you must be ready for it and play along. I will call that fartal communication

Also, couples should fart together to kill boredom. Sometimes relationship can be boring. If you have tried going to the cinema, beach, church, mosque and other social event together, you should set out a day to fartout inside the comfort of your home.

Although fart is an involuntary action, but you can provoke it by eating what will make it happen. You and bae can set a day, then two days before the day, you should start eating eggs boiled inside beans. Chai!


On a lighter note, the main purpose is that love should exist between couple to the extent that farting will not cause any rancor between them. Love makes us one with whoever we are in love with. One plus one is equal to one according to love mathematics. Since we do not get irritated by our own fart, we should also not get irritated by the fart from the one we love. Simple arithmetic!

Let us keep farting romantically in love. Nagode!


Culled from www.debonairng.com

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My AFCON memories: How Theophile Abega killed me in ‘84

16/1/2017

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PictureDestroyer of Nigeria in 1984, Theophile Abega
The year I watched my first AFCON was 1984, the one hosted by the Ivory Coast and I still remember it like it was yesterday.

I was in second year in secondary school then and not even a teenager yet but courtesy of some of my friends in school I was forced to love and follow football.

Yes, Samuel Ogali, late Amainye Ibama and Ovie Ughuanogho would discuss football every morning in school since 1983 and I was forced to join them.

Before the tournament I looked forward to seeing the likes of Stephen Keshi, Sunday Eboigbe, Henry Nwosu and Humphrey Edobor because I had begun to follow the Nigerian League.

I also was looking out of the likes of Chibuzor Ehilegbu and Paul Okoku who had played youth football for Nigeria and seemed our brightest young prospect.

Adegboye Onigbinde seemed spoiled for choice in his team of young players as in goal he had to pick between Peter Rufai and Patrick Okala and on the left wing, it was a choice he had to make between Humphrey Edobor and James Etokebe.

On the right it was war as Clement Temile and Tarila Okorowanta would battle for that shirt.

Perhaps the most experienced member of the team was Muda Lawal who was at the AFCONs in 1978, 1980 and 1982.

There was also Ademola Adeshina who was supposed to add steel to the midfield. As young as we were, we had hopes in the team.


The young Rashidi Yekini would lead the lines but most Nigerians especially me, were not comfortable with his ability to lead the attack for the Eagles.

The AFCON not about Nigeria

By the time the AFCON started, I discovered that African football was not just about the Nigerian team.

I saw an Ali Ferghani in the Algerian midfield that made the ball do the talking for him. There was also Lakhdar Belloumi who between he and Ferghani, I wasn’t so sure who was the playmaker and then Djamel Menad running riot on the wings and of course the young Rabah Madjer.

The Algerians had a decent side that I enjoyed at the AFCON in 1984.

Ivory Coast had two exciting players in Youssof Fofana and Abdoulaye Traore and their pairing upfront was magical, but there was one team I certainly did not observe enough that caused me a lot of heart break in the Cup final. Cameroon, but I will get to that.

We argued in school about the games before and after and it was fun to see the Super Eagles go all the way to the final

Nigeria had qualified for the final and would play against Cameroon.

On Friday in school we talked about the game and most of us thought Nigeria would win it; of course we had a good team that had done well so far in the tournament, hadn't we?

And when we began to predict starting line ups for the day, most of us went for Peter Rufai, Yisa Sofuluwe, Kingsley Paul, Muda Lawal, Stephen Keshi, Sunday Eboigbe, Clement Temile, Chibuzor Rashidi Yekini, Henry Nwosu and Humphrey Edobor.

We agreed that this would be Nigeria’s best starting eleven to beat the Cameroonian team and we arrived at this based on watching the other games and what we already knew of the players from the Nigerian League which we already followed.

Little did we know that the coach of the team, Adegboye Onigbinde and the Cameroonians had something else up their sleeves because what we saw, scarred me for a long time and therein began my fear of the cameroonians.

On match day, my jaw dropped when I saw Nigeria’s starting line up.

Even though Patrick Okala started the first two group games, Rufai was in goal against Algeria and in the semi final against Egypt.

I thought Rufai was the better option as Okala would more often than not leave his area to chase a ball, but Onigbinde went with Patrick Okala.

How Bala Ali started that game remained and still is a mystery to me and most of all starting with James Etokebe and Humphrey Edobor, two left wingers made the team seem a bit lopsided, but it was our country and we would be optimistic.

At least we had Stephen Keshi, Sunday Eboigbe, Yisa Sofoluwe, Muda Lawal, Humphrey Edobor and Henry Nwosu.

My confidence skyrocketed when in the 10th minute Muda Lawal struck.

If that game was played today, I would have picked up my phone at time time to call up Samuel Ogali, Amainye Ibama and Ovie to let them know we were winning but all I could do was wait to see how the game would end.

Did I mention earlier that I didn’t factor in what the Cameroonians had up their sleeves?

Well, their team had some gladiators who I didn’t really know before then.

There was a principality called Theophile Abega and a warlock known as Ernest Ebongue.

There were also Antoine Bell, Roger Milla, Bonaventure D’Jonkep, Emmanuel Kunde and Gregory Mbida, all trojans in their own right and from that point on they messed up the Nigerian team.

Between Milla, Mbida and Abega, they ran rings around the Nigerian team and they scored when they wanted.

Rene N’Djeya equalised in the 32nd minute and how Patrick Okala did not see that free kick that seemed to have gone in slowly still bothers me till now as I watch the highlights again.

Theophile Abega almost did a Messi to score the 2nd goal for Cameroon in the 79th minute as the Green Eagles defence just watched him walk past. Of course credit would have to have gone to Milla for the decisive return pass that left us awe stricken.

The third goal by Ebongue is still the reason why Nigerians do not like the Cameroonians when it comes to football.

The way Ebongue bullied his marker and went all the way to score is a memory I would not forget as long as I live.

I sat my young self on the chair, not knowing what to do next. I couldn’t believe we lost. How??????

Where did Abega, Ebongue and Milla come from? Where?

In school on Monday morning, we quietly analysed the game each one trying to convince the other he knew why we lost and of course we blamed Onigbinde for not using some players we thought he should have used.

That was how Cameroon messed up my AFCON in 1984, the very first AFCON I would be watching.

I had now been initiated into the Cameroon haters club as the rest of this diary will show as I write because that would not be the first time Cameroon would deny us in the final.

Final (Abidjan, Stade Houphouet-Boigny, att: 50,000)
18- 3-84 Cameroon 3-1 Nigeria
[René N'Djeya 32, Théophile Abéga 79, Ernest Ebongué 84; Muda Lawal 10]

[Cameroon: Joseph-Antoine Bell, Charles Toubé, René N'Djeya, Francois Doumbé, Isaac Sinkot, Théophile Abéga, Gregoire Mbida, Ibrahim Aoudou, Ernest Ebongué, Roger Milla, Boneventure D'Jonkep (Emmanuel Kundé);

Nigeria: Patrick Okala, Kingsley Paul, Stephen Keshi, Sunday Eboigbe, Yisa Sofoluwe, Muda Lawal, Ademola Adeshina (Paul Okoku), Humphrey Edobor, Bala Ali (Clement Temile), Henry Nwosu, James Etokebe;



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How Etche at Christmas time taught me lessons of life

2/1/2017

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PictureChima Nwangwu in an interview session with Benson Clement of Radio Nigeria
By Lisetta Woluchem
 
No matter how little or trivial your achievements might be, always strive to leave your footprints on the sands of time.
 
It's always best to put our abilities to good use irrespective of our disabilities. What makes you different isn't shying away from stardom because something tragic happened, but making your way to the top even if it means you have to crawl.
 
OK, we all know it’s the holiday season and this period gives birth to lots of festivities, permit me to say rare festivities.
 
Some of these events occur only once in a year (in December), and these are events that people look forward to.
 
For some, the end game of these festivities is a determinant factor of how the New Year would start, or turn out.
 
While for some, these festivities make the end of the year a memorable one. But either way, this period is one lots of people look forward to.
 
In the spirit of the season, I had an opportunity to visit Etche, a community in Rivers state of Nigeria for the Etche Sports Festival.
 
I gathered that this sports festival was first held in 2015, and this year is its second edition slated for 18th December - 1st January 2017.
 
The festival was organised by Dr Uzoma Nwankwo, a native of Etche; good thing he's doing for his people if you ask me.
 
On the 23rd of December, Mr China Acheru (Nigeria's biggest and finest sports journalist), Mr. Damiete Tonte, Mr. Benson Clement (a couple of PH's finest sports journalists) and myself arrived at the Okomoko / Egwi play ground in Etche where the games were held.
 
On our arrival, one football match was almost ending. So we sat down and waited for the next match to commence, which wasn't for very long. This next game was between Ulakwo FC and United Brothers.
 
Players of both teams filed out to be inspected by the referee before games commenced.
 
Something caught my attention before the first whistle was heard. I noticed that one of the players had just one hand. The left from the forearm had been amputated.
 
This was going to be interesting. Before now, I thought the match was not going to be interesting so I resolved to just disturb the people I came with.
 
But after what I saw, I decide to pay close attention to the match, especially to the player.
 
The first whistle had been blown and the players had started digging it out. An interesting watch I must say. My eyes didn't leave that player.
 
Please don't get me wrong, despite being handicapped; he was a good player, probably one of the best on the pitch that day.
 
People say you need both hands for balance while running, but that guy made me think otherwise.
 
The games ended 3-1against Ulakwu FC, but the only goal they scored was by Chima Nwagwu, the handicapped.
 
I wasn't the only one on the field that was intrigued by this player.
 
At the end of the match, Benson Clement conducted interviews, first with the coaches, then with this player who by this time, had stolen my heart.
 
He introduced himself as Chima Nwagwu and during the course of the interview, he disclosed that while playing football as a grown child, he had an accident.
 
He went for surgery, but the surgery went wrong and the hand had to be amputated.
 
This got me thinking. Most humans would turn their backs on things that brought them pain, or left scars, but here was this young man, who having lost his hand, permit me to say to football, was still playing.
 
And he was playing so well.
 
Life is so full of ironies. Another irony is rewriting life's irony to work in your favour irrespective of what life throws at you, choose to pick up the pieces of your life and move on.
 
Choose to rise like the break of dawn. And choose to steal hearts irrespective of your handicaps and disabilities.
 
This is what life taught me after my visit to Etche to watch a football match.

Picture
Chima Nwangwu and the author of this piece
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