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Beer Parlour Talk: Man United broke the internet and why thunder will fire Arsenal and Liverpool

16/8/2022

By China Acheru

If you are a Manchester United fan, you were probably forlorn and heartbroken on Saturday night until you woke up on Sunday morning to some breath of fresh air.

A former Port Harcourt based Rap/ Hip Hop artiste, Dr. Barz put out what he called a Manchester United diss track that was getting rave reviews all over the world.

Manchester United had broken the internet, or, maybe, Dr. Barz did.

Now, a lot of people watched that video, and asked, especially those outside Port Harcourt, and Nigeria, “Who is Dr. Barz?”

Like I said, he used to be based in Port Harcourt, he raps for a living, but because of his wordplay, I call him the Lyrical Assassin.

I first heard of Dr. Barz, when I listened to his single, PH Don Wake, a track extoling the virtues of Port Harcourt. He was trying to sell Port Harcourt to the world, by letting people know that things were no longer as bad as they used to be

Such lines like, “My city's on the rise like BP, If you're still doing crime, you're sleeping.”
And others like, “We go build church for Abuja down, Slay queens go dey wear gown. How much for one night?
Story! They're going for 5 nights of glory”

However, in his Manchester United diss track, he spoke about the poor state of the team, the fact that the number 10 is worn by a home boy who cannot score goals, how the owners, the Glaziers need to go and he ends up cursing everyone associated with the failure of the club.

It was not just about the fact that it was a cover to another popular rap song, but his word play, his composure and the way he spat the bars made this track unique.

On Social Media it was fun to see fans of rival clubs, and even those of Manchester United appreciate the song as he continued to get views on his handles where the song was posted.

But is Dr. Barz a Manchester United fan who is angry at the poor fortunes of the team? Or maybe, just a lyricist that just cashed in on the Manchester United situation to get more popular? Who knows?

Fight! Fight!! Fight!!! And the no- look handshake

I saw two foolish men try to shake each other up, yet in the end there were no punches thrown and there was no blood. Thomas Tuchel and Antonio Conte got into a skirmish than had players, stadium assistants, match officials running in to stop what would have been a potential sticky situation.

But would they have really exchanged blows? Tuchel was visibly angry at the referee allowing both of Tottenham Hotspur goals, believing there to be an infringement before they were scored, but how did that concern Conte?

Unless there is history we do not know about, Conte went for the ceremonial handshake after the game and did not even look at Tuchel whose hand he was shaking. It was like a no-look handshake. From what we saw, Tuchel grabbed him and pulled him back, like he was saying, “Look me in the eyes when you shake my hand, boy” and the rest, as they say is history.

I won’t lie, I would have loved to see a little blood and cut lips.

See small Nyansh dey shake o

So, Arsenal have won two out of two and it is a good time to be a fan of the club. Once again, they are dreaming and for good reason too.

Last season, Arsenal was the highest spending EPL team in the summer and this summer they have continued from where they stopped last season by signing Gabriel Jesus and Zinchenko and the results have started coming in.

This time last season, they had zero points and zero goals from two games, while this time they have maximum points and six goals from same number of games.

Whether they can sustain it is not important to their fans. Let them just enjoy the moment.

Welcome Serie A and La Liga
So, the very boring Italian and Spanish leagues kicked off the past weekend. Without the Messi/ Cristiano conflict in Spain, it seemed the attention moved away from LaLiga to other serious leagues. With Cristiano in Italy, a lot of people still watched Juventus, but right now, these two leagues will have to do a lot more than usual to keep the attention on them. We will be watching to see if they give us enough to attract us to stay tuned.

Thunder has to fire Gabriel Jesus and Liverpool

If you are a fan of Fantasy Football Manager, or FPL as it is known, you will agree that, just like betting, you are not really interested in what your favourite team plays, but how many points the players on your team garner for you.

Due to Media hype and peer pressure, I started Game Day 1 with three strikers- Gabriel Jesus, Haaland and Darwin Nunez. On Game Day 1, I amassed more than 80 points, my highest ever on the first day. However, Gabriel Jesus gave me nothing, so I threatened on a WhatsApp group to remove him. Henry Nna advised me not to remove Jesus, and that I would thank him later. I went on to remove Jesus and on Game Day 2, he got 2 goals and 2 assists. Woe Is ME!

Now the player I used to replace him, Callum Wilson, got only 2 points. Halaand managed just an assist and 5 points, while Nunez bagged himself a red card and minus 2 points. Sad FPL day for me. Mohammed Sallah, my captain could only get me 4 points, what a shame. Thunder fire all of them.

Back to the real football on the pitch, we do not know who will win any of the leagues yet, but some clubs have shown intent. Manchester City is one, and Arsenal is another, though for Arsenal, their intent could be for other things than winning the league.

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Beer Parlour Talk: Arsenal will win the EPL, Man United is a joke and Haaland is the truth

8/8/2022

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By China Acheru

The 2022/ 23 version of the EPL kicked off last weekend and Arsenal FC were off to a good start beating Crystal Palace 2-0 on Friday.

It was a sparkling display by Arsenal, playing some sweet sexy football and they despatched Palace easily. And therein laid the problem. Arsenal fans went on a social media frenzy claiming it to be their year of victory.

Some Arsenal fans are of the opinion that they would win the league this season, while others are more conservative saying a top 4 finish is certain for them.

You can’t blame fans for being optimistic, but Arsenal fans should have known that for the past fifteen years of their lives, they start the season in high hopes only to have it fade away around March/ April. I would be cautious if I was them. These are perilous times.

The joke called Manchester United

From Sir Alex, to David Moyes, Ryan Giggs to Louis Van Gaal to Jose Mourinho, to Ole Gunnar Solksjaer to Michael Carrick to Ralf Ragnick and then Ten Hag. It has been a case of musical chairs at one of the most successful clubs in Europe, but the only thing that has changed at the club has been the coaching. The performances and results have remained the same.

On Sunday against Brighton and Hove Albion, it was same ol same ol. Harry Maguire was like his usual refrigerator self, while Lisandro Martinez seemed out of sorts in a back 4, rather than a back 3 he excelled in while at Ajax Amsterdam. Most of all the coach looked a sorry sight as Hag ball transformed to Rag ball, but it is early days yet.

Haaland will score for fun

After the Community Shield loss to Liverpool, a lot of people talked on Social Media about the flop Haaland was expected to be. He was so pocketed by Virgil Van Dirk and it was said that the EPL would be a rude shock to him.

However, his two goals against West Ham United were just a tip off the iceberg. There will be many more like those. In fact, I expect Haaland to get between 30- 45 goals in all competitions this season, if injuries permit.

He is quick, he has good positioning and most of all, he is lethal. He will teach the other EPL strikers how to score goals this season. Underrate him at your peril.

Liverpool FC in trouble?

Liverpool drew her opening weekend game 2-2 against Fulham and the swords were drawn against them, a lot referring to the sale of a particular player.

Sadio Mane should not have been sold, the team is missing his services, that sale was a mistake.

But this Liverpool team beat Manchester City 3-1 in the season opener (The Community Shield) a week earlier. How come the Mane sale was not a disaster then? Most of all, Mane was not a defender, but a striker, and the team certainly do not have a goal scoring problem. Its last two games have seen them score 5 goals and concede 3. Besides, the player that came in as Mane’s replacement scored 2 and assisted 2, so it surely cannot be about Mane. Early days yet again.

Honourable mention for Chelsea, Tottenham Hotspur and Lionel Messi

In spite of what the media portrays to be a crisis within the ranks, Chelsea won on the road, 1-0 at Everton, which was not a bad start. Tottenham Hotspur also showed some intent, though going a goal down early, shook off their lethargy, scoring four goals to win.

But most of all was Lionel Messi who continued from where he stopped last season. He scored twice and provided an assist for Neymar to ensure that PSG won 5-0 at Clermont.

It is still early days yet, but be rest assured that the banter will be real this season.

This page returns next week.

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Congratulations, Ghana! You deserve the World Cup

31/3/2022

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By Damiete Sanipe

It is two days after the loss but it hurts more this morning...why? Perhaps it was just anger and frustration that night but now, reality sets in and boom! I can clearly now the rain is gone, I can see all obstacles in my way....but this time, with due respect to Jimmy Cliff, it's not gonna be a bright sun shinny day for Nigerian football.

Over two legs, it was expected the Super Eagles would triumph over the Black Stars of Ghana but football is played on the pitch and lot of factors responsible for the outcome which incidentally went in favour of the Ghanaians. Ghana must go...to the World Cup they went.

Do I even qualify to talk tactics? Nah! But seriously there are some obvious things you do not need someone to explain to you. Coach of the Eagles Augustine Eguaveon who doubles as the Technical Director took over in interim capacity when the romance between the Nigeria Football Federation and Genot Rohr ended and his first assignment was to lead the team to the Africa Cup of Nations in Cameroon. Nigeria had the worst outing in almost 40 years crashing out in the second round.

The next assignment was a two legged qualifier encounter against longtime foes and rivals Ghana in what was term the "jollof derby". Over two legs, the Ghanaians were better tactically and technically. The fixtures came when Ghana football was in turmoil having had a worse performance in Cameroon crashing out in the group stage.

With the array of stars at his disposal, what went wrong with Eguaveon?

Sources say he did not have full control over the selection as there were lots of players that have no business to the team were included in the list and standby list. If you do not have a free hand in your team selection, you are obviously not in charge.

What does Eguaveon have to lose? He is still occupying his position as the TD and has the assurance that when a new coach is employed, he goes back to his post. That to me is too much job security in a sector where the business is hiring and firing according to the result of your last game. How the Eagles did not qualify for Qatar 2022 and Eguaveon still has a job is beyond my understanding. Who should take the responsibility of the failure if the coach does not come out to apologize and quit?

From my little knowledge of what I saw in both legs, the Stars were very comfortable, compact, team cohesion and every department did their jobs very well. They bossed the first leg but were very cautious not to concede at home knowing the qualifier had the away goal rule in effect. Knowing the Eagles will come out gun blazing in search of goal(s), they came prepared to contain and hit on the counter (something they still did not use to its full effect to show how poor the team is). A very poor Black Stars team suddenly became very good because of the performance of the opposition in both legs.

"How does a coach make five changes to his starting 11 in four days?"

This was asked by a Ghanaian journalist when he got the team sheets before the game. I was also shocked at the timing of the changes but what do I know? My sentiment just wanted the Eagles to win so whoever the gaffer throws in was supported by me as long as the job is done.

At exactly 68 minutes of play, Calvin Bassey signaled the bench to be substituted and did not contribute anything meaningful the next 12 minutes before he was finally subbed few minutes to the end. Leon Balogun was exhausted at 78 minutes and managed catch up until the end. Ogenekaro Etebo obviously lacking match fitness was very slow and gave the ball away in dangerous areas more than thrice in the first half alone.

Victor Osimhem was isolated upfront, most of the players were not attentive to what was going on from the misplaced passes all over. A goalkeeper that was not comfortable with receiving the ball on his feet yet was being given back passes on the regular and I ask, what was the coach doing during their training sessions not to have noticed all these? During the game, did he not notice these and if he did, what did he do to change tactics or personnel?

Your guess is as good as mine. We did not have what was needed beat a very poor Ghanaian team and if over two legs the Super Eagles could not beat the Black Stars, then we have no business in Qatar! Congratulations Ghana.

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My jollof rice tastes much better than yours

24/3/2022

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There is no football match for Nigeria more important than any game against Ghana and that is how seriously Nigerians take their football. I guess there is also no football match for Ghana more important than a game against Nigeria.

Whether it is the Super Eagles, the women teams, junior teams or even 'Canta ball' the rivalry between Nigeria and Ghana is grand and we always want to triumph over them, just like, I believe they want to triumph over us (tufia kwa! As I snap my fingers on my right hand, turn it around my head five times and spit). That will never happen.

I do not know about players like Ola Aina, Joe Aribo, William Troost Ekong and the other foreign born players and what they know about the rivalry, but players like Ahmed Musa, Oghenekaro Etebo, and the others who started their football in Nigeria should know about enough to imbibe in the others the fact that we are going for war. It is football war.

From Ghana must go to Jollof derby

In the 80s, there used to be lots of Ghanaians in Nigeria. In fact a lot of jobs were taken over by them. They took over from the Indians as having best teachers in the country. They also had the best head-dressers too. I remember my mum had a salon then and it was a status symbol when you had a Ghanaian hair stylist working with you. They had their signature jerry cucrl hair do.

But suddenly, in 1983, when Alhaji Shehu Shagari was president of Nigeria, there was an order that all Ghanaians living in Nigeria without documentation had to leave or face arrest. The truth was that many of these foreigners had been attracted to Nigeria from the early 70s and with the economy weakening, it was bound to happen.

There were more than two million migrants deported from Nigeria and of these, more than one million were Ghanaian. These Ghanaians left hurriedly and they packed their belongings in cheap matted woven nylon zipped bags, either red and white or blue and white stripped, from thence known as 'Ghana must go bags'

But Nigeria's deportation of Ghanaians in 1983 could not have been the beginning of the off the pitch rivalry between both countries as a school of historians would say, what Shehu Shagari did was, maybe, a retaliation of what Ghana had done to Nigeria before.

In 1954, Ghana had deported loads of Nigerians who lived there without documentation and the 1983 action was seen by some as a retaliatory move.

However, in recent times, the rivalry between Nigeria and Ghana has sidestepped football to culinary issues, like, 'who makes better jollof rice?' or who has more accomplished musicians. A recent social media battle between Burna Boy and Shatta Wale is testament to this.

If you ask me, nothing beats Nigeria jollof rice, but again, the Ghanaians do not think so. Nothing also beats Nigerian music... Then again, the Ghanaians do not think so. Nothing beats Nigerian football and nothing beats Nigerian girls, but the Ghanaians would always argue. Therein lies the problem. And this problem must be settled once and for all on the pitch over two legs. Who ever wins this eternal clash, gets bragging rights on the pitch and in the kitchen too.

A history of the derby

Records show that Nigeria have met Ghana fifty six times in football and they have a better head to head record than we do. They have won twenty one times and lost to us only ten times. Eighteen of the games ended in draws.

Their 7-0 win over us on June 1, 1955 in the JALCO Cup remains their biggest victory over us. The first ever meeting between both sides was on October 16, 1950 in a friendly match that Ghana won 1-0. Note that this first game was four years before the Ghanaian government deported lots of Nigerians. In all of these, however, FIFA lists the first official game between both sides as the World Cup Qualifier in 1960. Ghana won 4-1 in Accra and drew 2-2 in Lagos.

The most memorable of the lot has to be in 1984 at the AFCON. Nigeria beat Ghana 2-1. Chibuzor Ehilegbu and Paul Okoku were an integral part of that team that also had the likes of Henry Nwosu, Muda Lawal, Humphrey Edobor, Stephen Keshi amongst others.

In 1992, Ghana ensured we did not play in the final of the AFCON, beating Nigeria 2-1 in one of the semi finals. This was after Mutui Adepoju scored a beauty of the goal for the Eagles.

In 2001, Nigeria had drawn Ghana 0-0 in the World Cup Qualifiers and then won the return leg 3-0 in Port Harcourt. In 2008, at the AFCON, Junior Agogo's goal helped Ghana win 2-1 over Nigeria in the quarter finals after Yakubu Aiyegbeni had put Nigeria ahead.

Whose jollof rice is better?

This question will be answered over two legs. But as Akinbode Oguntuyi says, “If Nigeria must lose the first leg, it should not be by a two goal margin. We must win or draw, but a heavy loss will spell disaster,” Oguntuyi says.

The last time Nigeria beat Ghana was in 2006 at the AFCON and since then both sides have met four times, with Ghana winning three of them.

Records show that the Black Stars have been better than the Super Eagles on the pitch but all that must change from this weekend.

Nigeria play better football than Ghana, Nigeria have better jollof than Ghana, Nigeria make better music than Ghana and of course Nigerian girls are prettier than those from Ghana.

The Super Eagles must seal these affirmations with a resounding win over two legs as the perks are a trip to the World Cup, bragging rights and another 'twitter dragging' that Nigeria will win.

Clear the road for the Super Eagles.

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Travel with China: How much sex is too much?

24/2/2022

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Once again, I was on another road trip out of Port Harcourt. I would be watching my 1070th football match, and yes, I am still counting.

Ever since my 1000th game on April 15, 2018, I have slowed down on watching football because the road trips get more difficult, bad roads, security and all. Then again, the foreign trips have been few and far between. But it was a road trip and it would always be exciting.

First, I would be travelling with Ufuoma Egbamuno, his wife, a cameraman and my partner.

Departure time would be 9am but as usual, my cameraman would arrive late.

At 8.50am, Ufuoma (another rare time keeper) called to find out if I was on my way. I was ready, and having breakfast, but my camera man had called two minutes earlier (as usual) to say he was at Waterlines, a place, at least 30 minutes away on a Sunday morning. We had no choice, but to wait for him.

My travel partner (names withheld, but for the sake of this write up, I will call her Natasha) had arrived and we were having breakfast. I packed some drinks, bottles of palm wine, a bottle of Vodka (which she specifically requested) some disposable cups and we were ready to move.

Funny thing is that I had not even called Natasha that morning. We last spoke on Thursday and I told her that departure time would be 9am on Sunday morning and that I expect her at the house at 8.30am. At 8.45 am, my gateman called to say there was a light skinned lady waiting for me and I told him to usher her in.

“Ah! Natasha!” I exclaimed to her as she walked in. “How long have you been waiting at the gate?”
“I left my house at ten minutes to eight o. I have been at your gate since eight o clock. I couldn’t come in because of your dogs, so I just sat outside,” she responded.
“So, why didn’t you just call me? For how long were your planning to sit out there?”
“Well, my phone battery had run out. I could not reach you. But remember, you told me you would leave at 9 o clock. So, my plan was to sit there until 9. If I did not see your car drive out, I’d just go back home or to church.”
That was a smart move, because I would not have been able to reach her.

Creamy Sugar

Ufuoma’s wife, Chizoba, also known as Creamy Sugar, was a bundle of excitement. She couldn’t hide her joy at the road trip. We had to drop off their kids at her parents’ place, then off we went to Omoku, where we would watch a football game, have fun at the poolside of the Krisdera Hotel and then return to Port Harcourt the next day.
The game in itself, Go Round FC versus Ijebu United was an eyesore. It was one of the worst things I had seen in a long time, but we endured the 90 minutes because that was why we were in Omoku. It ended 0-0, a result that was worse for me because I am part of the home team.

It was amusing that I had gone to knock on their door (Ufuoma and his wife) at a quarter past two to let them know I was heading to the stadium. Creamy sugar opened the door to say they would join us later. Ufuoma was sat on the bed. So I told them they did not have to come to the stadium at the same time as me.

But in the evening, Creamy revealed that knocking on the door at that time disturbed something inside the room.

When I probed harder, she gave out her infectious Etche style laughter and went, “We bin one take one hand before you knocked o”

As mischievous as I could get, I asked if they continued after I left and it was a good opportunity for Creamy to take a good jibe at her husband.

“Don’t mind him,” she chided. “I just offered him some low hanging fruit and he started taking off his shirt. Lucky for me, his shirt was tight and refused to come off. He was too much in a hurry.

“But help me ask him, why he was taking off his shirt? What did he want to achieve?” She asked, and I wasn’t sure if she was asking me, or him.

Natasha just continued to hide her face in shame, obviously wondering what she had gotten herself into. I believed in her mind, she would be asking herself, “What kind of woman is this Creamy?”

As if Creamy knew, she turned to Natasha, and asked her, referring to me, “I hope you have offered him something o.”

Natasha screamed in shock, “Something like what?” and then she ran off.

We had dinner at a joint outside the hotel. On our way there I reminded them of the story of Linus at the University of Port Harcourt who was said to have used shit (faeces) to cook beans for hundreds of people around the Aluu area. And I told them that we may be going to a similar place, or how could they explain the fact that I hadn’t been to Omoku in about six months, but rather than eat at the hotel, I was driving away to a buka to get food. I made it seem like something, maybe, sinister was pushing me to go that far away to eat, and it may be more than just the taste of the food. We laughed over it and both Ufuoma and Creamy begged that I do not ruin their appetite for the food we planned to eat.

Dinner was good and then it was back to the hotel to get ready for the sit out.

Omoku is amazing

Since 2013 I have been making trips to Omoku twice a month when the League is in season, of course to watch games involving Go Round FC and sometimes, Nembe City, Bayelsa United and Rivers United, depending on who their opponents are.

I saw Omoku as a place I could call “Enjoyment Town” because the Krisdera Hotel was always full of life. It had great nightlife and a night club that was great to be in.

During the crisis in the town a few years back, orchestrated by gun totting gang members, I also visited Omoku regularly, but would meet an empty town with no inhabitants. Most houses would be locked, a ghost town. There was hardly any inhabitants in the town then, but we would come for league games in fear until we got into the safety of Krisdera Hotel. With the stadium just opposite the hotel, we would just watch the game and go back to the hotel. No one ever ventured out of the hotel premises, neither in the day nor at night. Even at the hotel, we would find out we (those that came for the football game) were the only guests at the hotel. Of course, the night club shut down (obviously) and there was no fun there, except to watch football at the stadium, and then on TV at the poolside or in our rooms.

But Omoku is a better place to be now, as during our visit, we could go out to the town to grab some food, then sit out at the pool side for a drink out with some soft music playing in the back ground, it was a welcome development too.

Our table had a bottle of Vodka, palm-wine, energy drinks, malt drinks and water. Then we ordered some barbecued Croaker fish.

Peter Abaje of Ray Power, Port Harcourt joined us at our table and we spent most of the night talking about politics and the 2023 elections. We discussed Rivers State elections and then the presidential elections. We did not even talk about sports.

Peter and Natasha did justice to the Vodka, Ufuoma drank Palm wine while Creamy Sugar and me did energy drinks. The fish was awesome when it came, but we couldn’t sit there forever and had to retire to our rooms eventually.

At 11pm, we were ready to shut down for the night. We agreed on departure time in the morning, 8am.

Before we left, I teased Creamy that her husband would be gone for a while, as he returns to Lagos. Her response was that she doesn’t mind as long as he gives her enough to eat before he leaves. Jesus!

We laughed our way back into our rooms and reminded each other of departure time. It was a fun trip, eventually, well, er, except the football match.

Travel with China continues with a trip to a town or city near you. Watch this space.

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Cristiano Junior will fail at Manchester United and as footballer

14/2/2022

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I saw the news last week of Cristiano Ronaldo’s son unveiling as a Manchester United player and I could not help but chuckle.

I believe Cristiano junior will flop as a Manchester United player and as a footballer too. I saw this from history and not because I really know or understand how he plays as a footballer.

The poverty mentality

Football, as they say is a poor man’s game. Poor people on the streets and the ghetto usually kick the ball around, improve on it, are scouted, and then see it as a way out of poverty.

Maybe, more than 90% of footballers worldwide came out of poverty, abject poverty. The fact that they looked behind them at where they were coming from would have been their greatest motivation to play and give it their best. Most of their sons, if not all, are born into riches and have not really been bothered about football.

I have searched a list of the world’s greatest footballers, I mean the GOATs in the last one hundred years and I am yet to find a son who played as good as his father or half as good as his father.

Pele’s fist son, Edinho, tried his hands as a goalkeeper at Santos, but struggled for most of his career. He failed. His second son, Joshua, also tried at Santos, but did not go past the youth set up.

Diego Armando Maradona Sinagra is the son of the great Diego Maradona, but he never blossomed past the youth set up at Napoli and Genoa. He flopped as a footballer.

I have searched on and on and have not found the son a truly great footballers going as far as his father. And this list include Just Fontaine, Eusebio Da Silva Du Perreira, Zico, Michel Platini, Johan Cryuff etc.

{From Just Fointaine to Eusebio, Zico to Platini, or Cryuff, I am yet to see a son who has been as good as his father. }

A few exceptions

There are indeed a few exceptions of top players who had sons that played football to the top.

In the Netherlands, there have been Danny and Daley Blind; there is Cesare and Paulo Maldini in Italy, and of course, Enrico and Federico Chiesa, still in Italy.

Hey! Our friends, in Ghana will mention Abedi Pele Ayew and his sons, Andre and Jordan

In Nigeria there have been Barnabas Imenger and his son, Nanen and then Dominic Iorfa and his son, but these do not rank to the level of Cristiano Ronaldo, Lionel Messi, Pele, Maradona, Michel Platini. All these greats never groomed their sons to the levels they reached.

Can Cristiano Junior break the jinx?

Cristiano Ronaldo himself had a mother who was a cook, and his father who was a gardener. He possibly did not have the luxuries of life and saw football as a ‘get out of poverty’ card. He must have been totally dedicated to succeeding as a footballer. The fact that he is still going strong at his age shows how much he must have disciplined himself growing up.

Unfortunately, Junior does not need to play football; at least not for money. He doesn’t need to unless he really wants to. I cannot wait to see how he can motivate himself to play with all the riches and affluence around him.

Junior will have to fight the demons that have bedevilled other sons of great footballers and must be really determined to succeed as a footballer, a professional one.

When he is weak and frustrated, will he throw in the extra effort, or go home to play FIFA game on PlayStation? When he is dropped from the youth team of Manchester United for a game, will he put in extra training hours?

Time will tell, but chances are, he may not make it to the level his father got to, not even close. The motivation levels are very different.

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I used to have a girl named Su, and why we broke up

17/11/2021

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When I was 9 years old, I fell in love with a girl, or at least I thought I did. I liked her so much and could hardly do without her.

It was a kind of long distance relationship and I would see her between 7-10 times yearly and those were always the best moments of my life.

As I grew older I loved her the more until we met for the first time when I turned twenty nine. I stuck to her because I was in love with her. Even after I got married, I remained with her because she was like the first love I ever had.

But late last year I took a decision to do away with her. Moments with Su were the best I had experienced. She would do things to me that none other could do. Just watching her and spending time with her would make my day and week and I could talk about those moments for months until the next time I meet her. That was how telling, my moments with my girlfriend, Su were, but I had to end it all to avoid mental health issues

She stopped being attractive to me and soon began to give negative vibes. Moments spent with her turned out to be bore fests and I would be anger stricken for days and weeks on end after she leaves. She had lost whatever it was hat attracted me. She began to act like she was being forced to be girl friend. I stopped looking forward to being with her. There was really no need being with her. I tried, but it did not work.

I tried to endure the latest version of Su, hoping she would change and things would be back to normal, but it just kept on getting worse.

I decided to find fun in some other things than my own girl friend and after this lasted a while, I knew it was time to end this love affair.

The Reality of it all

The story told above has been me and the Super Eagles as presented by Gernot Rohr. Ever since I decided not to watch them any more I have had no regrets and I have had peace of mind. I see people complain on Social Media after each game, on how badly the Eagles played and I really tell myself that I am not missing anything. The Super Eagles currently have nothing to offer. They are like that old whore on Adelabu Street that has been used and ravaged by the menfolk who are now switching over to younger girls.

This is not a “Gernot Rohr must go” article because I have gone way past that. Let Rohr stay on.

Bottom line is that I will not go back to my old girl friend. I hope the Eagles qualify for the World Cup, but I will not watch any game with Gernot Rohr as coach. Like I have said a hundred times- i'd rather watch wet paint dry or moths mating, than destroy my eyes on the rubbish they dish out to Nigerians every time they play.

Let me go and apply my eye drops.

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My 7 Day incarceration ordeal

12/10/2021

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I just came out of a seven day incarceration ordeal and this is the story of that encounter. A few people would have noticed that I had been out of social media for about ten days, but may not have known why.

We move!

One Saturday in April 2021, I woke up and noticed I could not see clearly after I put on my glasses. I thought the lens were a bit dusty, so I wiped them, but the vision did not improve. I sprinkled the liquid and wiped some more but it was still the same,

But I managed it that weekend, even though I knew it was difficult for me.

By Tuesday when it became unbearable, I called my optometrist friend at the University of Port Harcourt Teaching Hospital, UPTH and after seeing three consultants, I was told my right eye had a problem, and not the lens.

The pressure was extremely high and I had needed eye drops for a full week to crash the eye pressure from 46 to 13. Then I was told I needed to have a Laser PI (Peripheral Iridotomy) done on the eye.

I booked that at a private clinic as UPTH could not do it. I had it done on the second weekend of May 2021. After 2 weeks, I went back to the Teaching Hospital where they confirmed it was a good job. All was well, right?

Enter Phase 2 of the wahala

Life was good. My eyes were not bad and I hadn't needed my glasses in weeks.

I could use my phone without them, I could use my computer without them, and I could read without them. I still had to use my eye drops regularly, though.

However, on July 11, 2021, England lost the Euros final to Italy. I had taunted the world that it would come home so I shut my phone immediately after the final and went to sleep
I'd answer their trolling in the morning.

I woke up, picked my phone, and responded to a few messages. Went in, had a bath and couldn't see clearly anymore. I closed my tight eye with my hand and vision was top. I did the same with my left eye and all I could see was whitish mass. The right eye was not working.

I called my optometrist and he summoned me to the UPTH once again where I met 3 different consultants. They all ran teats, looked inside the eye and asked the same question, “Did anything hit your eye?”

My response was the same. I did not get flapped or punched, I didn't walk into a door or wall, and I don't play football anymore so I didn’t get elbowed or take a shot in my face.

I was asked to go back to where I did the laser PI, just in case that could be a factor, but they checked, confirmed the PI was still a good job and then told me the current condition had nothing to do with the Laser PI.

I was pushed in for an eye scan and the consultant looked at the results and asked.... “Did anything hit your eye?”

This was beginning to get boring, but I patiently gave the sane answer.

The consultant told me in clear terms that there were no lens in my right eye. They fell off, or fell out of its in situ location. Displaced lens. That can only happen most of the time after forced trauma on the eye. I insisted nothing like that happened.

Next up was the solution. I asked what the solution would be since we now knew the problem and she said, a vitrectomy as permanent solution. You don't know what that is? Okay, it's a vitreous retina surgery! You still don't know what it is? Oya, they'll cut the eye open, locate the lens that fell off, remove it, then in another surgery, they'll fix artificial lens to locate the displaced one. And it would cost close to a million naira.

At this time I had completely lost vision in my right eye. In other words, it did not exist. I asked how much time I had and was told I could use a contact lens on my right eye for as much as 8 months. It was no emergency, the consultant said.

I went for the option of the contact lens while I started the process of prepping for the surgery.

ANOTHER ANGLE

Then a few days later, I got a call from my optometrist letting me know that the surgery will either be done in Kaduna, at the National eye hospital, or by a surgeon from Kaduna.

He then added that the surgeon was in town, at another clinic. He wanted me to go there for an assessment. Since, in his words, that's the man who may do the surgery eventually.

I dashed down to see him and after assessment, he insisted I did it immediately. I booked myself for the next session he'll be in Port Harcourt. Sometime in September.

SURGERY DAY

I had gone in a day earlier on Friday, October 1, 2021 for assessment and I was booked to be the first on the queue.

I asked questions like, how long the procedure would last, how many days I would need to recuperate etc. I just asked loads of questions. I wanted to know what I was going in to do.

Incarceration Day 1

When the surgeon asked for the blade, I knew it was it. I had been injected around the lower eyelid. It was local Anastasia, so I was quite conscious and knew everything around me. I asked what the time was and the surgeon said, “Matron, he wants to know the time.”
She told me it was 9.25am and then probably handed over the blade he had asked for. I noticed his finger feeling my right eye, then I felt the cut and blood splatter. This guy just cut my eye open. Jesus! Then the surgeon’s voice went, “Cotton Wool.”
It was handed to him and next thing I felt was him mopping up blood from around my eye. He asked for Saline, and then I felt the liquid pour in my eye. Three hours later, I heard the surgeon say, “It is done. That was a perfect surgery.”

I asked what the time was and the matron said it was 12:15pm.

Day 2: I can’t see a thing

I was back at the hospital as early as 7 am the next day where the cast was taken off. My right eye was still closed though I tried to force it open. The nurse put an eye drop in it and then took me to another room to try to read with the right eye. I could not see a thing. She said it was normal, but I did not believe. I panicked. Why would she tell me to read if I was not expected to read in the first place? I complained to the surgeon that I could not see a thing with the right eye. He smiled and told me not to worry that it was normal. He tried to explain something about air being pumped into the eye and it would take about two days before my vision gradually returns.

He looked at the eye through the x-ray thing and told me all was well. He said the Iris claw lens used to replace the displaced one was in place and I had nothing to worry about. That was reassuring, but allow me to worry.

I was handed a piece of paper with rules and regulations to follow for the net 7 days. I told the nurse that I could not read and she began to read them out for me. It was basic things I should not do to ruin the good job done on the eye. Number 4 was not to engage in any rigorous activity, especially sex. Blood of Jesus!

Life was a briefest without the eyes. My job was news gathering and talking. Without the eye and mouth I am completely useless at my job. In fact, there would be no job. I just lay in bed listening to my radio. That was all I could do. Pressing my phone was out of bounds. Mary Warmann came visiting. Nathan Brodrick called. Dr Tunde Akkininu called too. I could not watch the Liverpool vs Manchester City game because I had just one eye. It was not even an option
So, I just backed the TV in the parlour and listened to the commentators. My eyes drops were every hour for 24 hours and the other one every 2 hours for 48 hoots so that was my routine.

Day 3: I see the light

In my quest for vision, I would always close the left eye to check if I could see anything with the right eye. I did that every morning. By Monday, I could see light bulbs on, but nothing else. I will just see the brightness of the bulbs but there was no other vision in the right eye. I don dey fear o.

Day 4: Now I have panicked

Tuesday morning and vision in my right eye had not improved so, I panicked, naturally. I called Doctor Chikezie and screamed out, “My eye is not healing o. there is a problem!”

After he calmed me down, I calmed down and continued to listen to radio, since that was all I could do. At about 3pm, I closed my left eye, then put my hand in front of my face and I could see it. I could also see what looked like my fingers, though the vision was blurred, I ssaw my hand with my right eye. My vision was returning.

Day 5: I see men like trees

By day 5 I was going crazy. The vision in my right eye was improving but the wait was frustrating. I began to see what looked like rust. It was greenish brown and it seemed like it was floating at the top of my right eye. But at least I could see something. Then I started to see black dots, like water droplets hovering around my eye. Those, I learned are known as floaters and are quite normal. My optometrist later explained that during the surgery, my vitreous was touched and I will continue to see floaters until it is fully healed. Hmm! But the vision was improving. I could see the images of people in front of me. I still could not make out the features in their faces, but I will know if a person is in front of me

Day 6: I can see clearly now

I woke up to bright eyes. The right eye was almost fully open and I could see clearly. The Super Eagles had a game against the Central African Republic but I was not going to waste my new eye sight watching whatever mess Gernot Rohr was going to serve. I’d rather search for moths and watch them mate. So, I did not watch the game. I heard they lost. I had not emotions, whatsoever. In the evening, I took a walk around the neighbourhood. I was tired of sitting at home.

Day 7: I think I am ready

My 7 day incarceration is over, but I will just stay indoors for another two days since I return to work on Monday morning, after a visit to the Eye Hoapsital for assessment. I noticed the floaters were much though and I was beginning to get worried. They were all over the place

Life returns to normal

I visited the hospital on Monday morning and the excited surgeon told me it was massive recovery one week post op. I could read with the eye, and almost see clearly with it. He advised that I could go back to work, but cautiously, since the total healing process is about six weeks.

Moral of this story: Nigerians should be health conscious. Our bodies are very important and we must do occasional checks. I did not want to share too much information here, but I was this close to losing my right eye. Health is wealth. Protect your health.

PS
I believe I explained some medical terms like a complete illiterate. I am not a doctor, but I am sure you got the message.

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Love Notes: Don't blame it on anything, it was all on you

28/7/2021

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Tonye Franklin

The definitions of ‘relationship’ might be cliché yet cannot be underestimated, except the ones with ‘open’ in them.

Therefore a decision to be in a relationship should be backed by basic traits or ingredients that are the foundations on which it stands.

But in society today, it’s easy to say these character traits are hardly instilled in the minds of a lot of people due to the appalling rate of broken marriages and failed relationships caused by ‘cheating’.

Especially how it has successfully been highly attributed to a particular gender over the years.

Truth is, whether one gender or all genders, cheating is still an intentional act of disrespect to your partner, yourself and your relationship.

Cheating is an independent choice of indiscipline; having zero control over your sexual urges and how or with whom you choose to satisfy them, which are the traits the first paragraph of this article refers to.

Although, excuses are given sometimes to justify the act which unfortunately has almost given it a more credible stand in an institution supposedly laid on a foundation of love, communication, trust and commitment.

It’s important you note that this article doesn’t sideline the possible temptations in a relationship and/or in the union of marriages but it is more aimed at highlighting the fact that despite these challenges, the individual plays a major role in the outcome of events which is the ability to MAKE DECISIONS.

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Random musing: Now it's time to blame the victim -The story of Wezina

21/5/2021

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There was a time in Wezina land that my grandfather told me about. My grandfather is late Cotton Acho Amadi Acheru and he told me a lot of stories, and this is one;

Wezina had an old and very weak king or Nye Nwe Eli at the time. He was not just old, he was weak and sick.

During his reign, things went bad for Wezina Kingdom. External forces ravaged the land and Wezina lost lots of wars and a lot of its land. Farmers could no longer till their land because it had either been lost to external oppressors, or they were too scared to go out. And this led to lack of food in the land.

The fisher men could not go to the river and the hunters could not go to the forest.

It was a very difficult time for Wezina Kingdom. Yet, their king just remained in the palace doing nothing. At a time, the rumour mill said he had died and had been replaced secretly by a look alike king. The truth was that the kingship was to move to another family at the end of the tenure of this weak king which a few people did not want. A few who were either part of the family of the ruling king, or beneficiaries from other families. So, rather than announce that the king had passed on, they just replaced him with a look alike.

But had he really passed on? Nobody knew for sure. It was just a rumour that could not be verified.

While all this was happening, Wezina continued to suffer.
The king ensured that the whole council of chiefs were members of his own family which was against the laws guiding the formation of Wezina kingdom.

When other families tried to produce food and other items to sustain them, he made sure a larger percentage was taken to the palace to be shared amongst his family. But when his family produced, it was never shared.

People were not happy, but they stopped complaining because a few who did, either mysteriously died, were thrown in prison or banished from the kingdom.

So, the people just continued to live their lives and remain hopeful that this king would die one day and power would change hands. At this time, they did not even care if somebody from the king’s own family continued to reign, they just wanted him out but could do nothing about it. They were tired of the reign of the old, sick and weak king.

But many years into the reign of this king, Wezina was faced with another challenge. Armed marauders would enter the kingdom, abduct people and go away with them. This affected almost every family in the land who had farmers, hunters, traders or fishermen.

Sometimes, these people were enslaved wherever they were taken to, and at other times, they would be killed.

This went on for too long and the people became even more worried.

They sent emissaries to the palace to let the king understand what was going on, but they could not see the king and they did not know if the messages they left even got to him. How could they not see their king, even in times of crisis like these?

It seemed they were on their own and had to find a way to fend for, and protect themselves.

So, they began to organise search parties as soon as any of their family members were kidnapped as it seemed that the palace could no longer protect them.

Their search parties would go into the bushes and try to track the kidnappers, succeeding sometimes and at other times, the search not being fruitful. This went on for about three years until the most shocking news came out of the king’s palace;

After a council meeting, the rumours spread in the community that the palace was thinking seriously about placing a ban on search parties to rescue kidnap victims. The people could not understand why the palace was trying to stop them from rescuing their own family members. It was unbelievable.

It came as a surprise to the people of Wezina and a lot were angry and it was discussed in hushed tones, especially at twilight and they could not understand.

Their family were being kidnapped, and taken away as slaves, the palace could do nothing about it and when they tried to rescue their own loved ones they were now being told that it was no longer allowed?

The stories coming out of the palace said defaulters would be tried and if found guilty banished from the land.

The victims of the crime were now being hunted by those who should naturally protect them. They would be thrown out of Wezina Kingdom or sent to prison if they organized search parties to rescue their kidnapped family members.

But again, they could do nothing about it, but wait until the king dies and another one takes over while the hope that the new king would be better.

Wezina Kingdom, four hundred years ago.

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Daily musing: Arsenal fans need to pray as football returns in England

18/6/2020

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Football returned in Europe three weeks ago with the German Bundesliga, but nothing counts as much as what happens in England so I guess we were all excited when “Project Restart” came to fruition on Wednesday.

Aston Villa first hosted Sheffield United and save for that goal scored just before half time that did not count because they probably failed to turn back on the Goal Line Technology machine, it went without any incidents and few talking points.

But the big one was no doubt the later game at the Ettihad where Manchester City hosted Arsenal.

I really do not know what people, especially Arsenal fans expected from this but it was always going to be a whupping for them, in fact my pre-game prediction was 4-0 to City and Arsenal as usual did not come to the party.

But the joke of Arsenal is their defender, David Luiz who Chelsea was just too willing to give out to them. I do not know if Arsenal thought they got a bargain for their deadline day signing of the bloke, but he has proved more often than not that he is a calamity.

For a substitute to cause that much damage to a team that stood no chance any way tells a lot about the quality of the Arsenal team, yet their fans trudge on.

I am taking glances at the League table as I type on and Arsenal is no Manchester United. If they do not make it the Champions League this season or at least the Europa League, they will be finished as a top club for the next five seasons.

Come on! Are we even talking about the Champions League? Arsenal will never get there this season, so maybe, the Europa Cup? Look at the clubs ahead of them.

What was any one expecting from Arsenal? That they would beat Manchester City? That they would go on to finish in top 6 or top 4? What exactly did any one expect?

Arsenal is the gift that keeps giving. As long as Sun rises from the east and sets at the west, Arsenal will not win the EPL any time soon or even qualify to play in Europe.

In the face of the COVID 19 pandemic, watching Arsenal play is comic relief. They are a gift to humanity.

Let the banter season continue. As long as Arsenal FC has clowns in its defence, clowns in other parts of their team and clowns in the board, they will struggle to crack top 10 this season which will be a crying shame.

Are you an Arsenal fan? Let us pray now...

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Like father like son: The forty-year story

31/5/2020

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Last Sunday I took my sons out to a beauty shop to have a haircut, and while this should naturally not be news, it must be because of the historical significance of the trip.

My sons love going out with me and it does not matter where. It could be to get Pizza, Suya, Sharwarama, see a movie or just go for a spin around the block. If they got into the car and we drove, it was worth it to them.

My second son reached out to me a few days earlier and said it was time for a haircut. The last four times we had their hairs cut, we had a hair stylist brought into the house, but this is a story for another day.

This time, I knew we had to drive out, so I called Kingsroom Unisex, the beauty shop located at the Shopping Mall opposite the Air Force Base at Aba road and informed them; we had a date and we agreed on Sunday so the boys were waiting for the day.

At the beauty shop

The boys had been to Kingsroom Unisex a couple of times before but as we approached, my 9 year old suggested to me he wanted to scrape all the hair on his head, what we called Gorimapa or Moro-moro back in the day and when I asked why, he said he was tired of combing his hair and wanted freedom.

My first, an 11 year old, a chip off the old block wanted to take off from the sides, like the punk kind of cut and when I asked why he said he wanted his hair to eventually be like mine and didn’t want to just take everything off. Hmmm! Impressive.

The 3-year-old did not have a say, so I suggested the three layer kind with a parting in the middle and so they started.

Kingsroom Unisex

Now, there is a reason why I like to be at Kingsroom Unisex, but again that is a matter for another day.

I like the way they got my attention four years ago and I have been part of their daily lives ever since, but I insist it is a story for another day.

I actually did not want to got out for the hair cut because of COVID 19, but I trusted those guys to be a safe haven for us and by the time I got there, I saw what they had done.

Even in the face of COVID 19, I saw the measures they had taken for safety and health of not just their clients, but their staff too. I was watching.

Forty years ago

As the hair stylist worked on my boys, from the middle one to the youngest and then the eldest, I just sat back, enjoying the scenery while my mind flashed back to a little under forty years ago when I was a kid as they were and my dad had to take us to a barber shop.

My dad will take my younger brother and I to a barbershop somewhere in Port Harcourt. I cannot remember the name now, but the barber was so old he could have been a hundred and thirty-five years old.

Then he owned these old rugged clippers that he held in his right hand and used his fingers to control the movement of the blades. If you were born in the 70s, then you will know these clippers.

And he will hit our head with the blade base and then begin to move the clippers up and down our head and I did not just hate the experience, I hated the man, I hated his shop and I hated trips to the barbershop. Now I need to explain all of these. They are part of the story.

First, the experience was painful and there was hardly a time he barbed our hair that he did not draw blood, especially when lining the front and back, or what we call “frictioning” these days.

Second was that I thought the man was too old to be a barber. He looked every time we were there like he would just drop dead while on the job. How could that kind of person be a barber? He was disgusting, and old too.

Then there was the issue of grammar. I do not remember the name of the salon, but there was an inscription on the wall that went, “The Senior Barber: Hair must grow” and this bothered me even more.

As an eight or nine-year-old, I understood that he was a senior barber because he was old, but how would the hair grow when all he did was cut it?

I would always read that inscription and hate him the more for not knowing how to use English. What did he mean by hair growing when all he did was remove whatever hair was left on one’s head?

Finally, I did not like going to the barber shop because I never got to leave with the hair style I wanted.
Why couldn’t I have my hair cut like all the other boys in my class? Why would I have to be taken to the barbershop every month to have all my hair scrapped and If I am lucky, the barber would just leave a little chunk in the middle? I hated it, but there was nothing I could do about it as I was just a kid.

Back to reality

Now, all of these was between 1979 and 1983, but this was in 2020 and I was taking my sons out for haircuts and I was letting them choose how they wanted to look, something that could not happen when I was their age.

How times have changed. I needed to drive the three boys down to my father’s apartment and let him see how four boys (including me) went to the barbershop and they return all looking different. In his day, we would have ben wearing the same thing on our heads, imposed by him.

I wanted to rub it in that in his day, there would be three unhappy boys returning from the barber shop but I brought back three happy and excited ones.

There were lots of things I would have loved to tell him, mocking him too, but I changed my mind because he would not care.

At 82, he had more reasonable things to think about and not how he “terrorized” us as kids at the barbershop.

I am only just reminiscing. Times have really changed. They have.

And, if you live in Port Harcourt between 1975 and 1983, you must remember that barbershop? The senior barber, hair must grow. Let us talk about this.

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Oh No! The woman’s nyansh has lost its value

4/5/2020

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I got the inspiration to write this after I saw certain things on social media three Fridays ago and again from a comment made by a colleague of mine and I thought I should write.

On our WhatsApp group, Oma Akatugba wrote, “Woman Nyansh no get value again. When we small na privilege to see am.”

This simply means that the woman’s buttocks has lost its value because back in the day we could hardly see it, even though we tried, but these days, it was all over our faces, even if we didn’t want to see it.

I asked Oma Akatugba to explain and even though I knew one hundred percent why he made that statement; it was also good to read from him too.

Oma told ChinaAcheru.com that as a young man growing up, there were certain things, certain sights that did not come easy.

In those days, women took pride in dressing and covering their bodies.

“If a young man sees a completely nude woman, maybe mistakenly sees her taking her bath, it was a taboo. Even on dates one can hardly do much on the first and second dates.

“Maybe the first date is just for dating in the real sense of the word, the second date and you could get a kiss, depending on you, then maybe, the third date she pays you a visit or you pay her a visit, but to see her essentials parts take time,” Oma Akatugba.

“But these days, people just expose their bodies on social media, maybe for validation, I do not know. They even expose their private parts out there.

“These days, if you want to see naked women, just go on social media and you go see tire (you will see a lot),” he said.

What Oma said is very true because these days, nudity has been thrown in our faces. We do not even have to request for it, because it is just there.

There are social media groups you can join if you want to see stuff that one could not imagine twenty years ago. You want to book sex online? Then join this group, you want to just see good old nudity, then join this other one. The truth is that a lot of these groups were closed groups and they did not just throw their stuff out there in people’s faces until, maybe the lock down.

What IG Live did to us

Because of the lock down, a lot of us have been idle at home and have turned to social media for entertainment and that is where this all happened.

The footballers have been on Instagram Live either chatting with journalists, fans or just each other, while the entertainers are doing same.

So, a certain MC Galaxy (I do not even know where he is based, neither do I know his real name) started an Instagram Live sessionwhere he would call ladies and ask them to perform a dance session for a few minutes. He had sponsors for this show and other viewers would eventually vote for the best dancers and the overall winner gets a cash prize which turned out to be one hundred and fifty thousand naira (about $400).

I was going in and out of that session because I really had other things to do but there were dance sessions by ladies from Nigeria, South Africa, Ghana and even the USA, but this is not even the gist.

Shake what your momma gave you

All of a sudden, the women on the session believed that the best dancer may just be the one that had no clothes on, rather than the one that wriggles her waist more, or something that relates to actually dancing.

And so, my eyeballs almost fell off its socket when right in front of me, and to a worldwide, audience, a lady dancing on this Instagram Live took off her top, her bra (letting out her bouncers) and then took off her pants, showing us things we were not supposed to see.

This was being beamed live to a world audience so I could not understand it any more. It then became a competition on who had the most reprobate mind of the lot as the ladies dancing started trying to undo each other in lascivious behavior until the shit hit the proverbial fan.

Sex on stage

Suddenly, a girl called in and she was based in Port Harcourt, from her intro and she did not waste to strip to her bare skin and then she got out a dildo.

This was not dance… It was a sex show, an online sex show. It was video meant to… meant to do what exactly?

At this point I had no idea what was going on but I watched on… I had to. I was compelled to keep watching this live show.

This light skinned lady from Port Harcourt starting using the dildo on herself while MC Galaxy screamed in ecstasy.

I watched awe-struck as she penetrated herself with the dildo, so engrossed in her sexual act that it did not take long for her to hit climax as she pushed the dildo in and out of her vagina.

Then we saw the milky liquid mess up the screen as she ended her performance for the day. I kid you not, this happened in an Instagram Live Session in Nigeria and by a girl who lives in Port Harcourt.

What did I just watch on live television? This was supposed to be a Friday night dance competition, but what did I just see?

Other dancers came up but based on the comments on the screen, viewers were no longer interested as they had seen enough and already knew who was their winner.

Up to nine contestants came up and a shortlist of three was made and they came up again on the screen to dance and you bet, this Port Harcourt girl did the exact same thing with the dildo and the climax. All this, in place of a dance. Guess what… She won and took home a prize of one hundred and fifty thousand naira.

Social Media has exposed us

With the kinds of things I saw on Instagram Live that day and I believe I am scarred for life. Well, it is 2020 and some people will attribute this to the second coming of Christ, but not me. Christ will come when he will come, but this has always been with us.

There is nothing on Social Media today that we have not necessarily done in our closet before. It is just that we now how a means of putting it out there for the world.

As far back as the Roman days, naked women would come out and entertain the emperor, didn’t they? As far back as fifty years ago in Nigeria, rich men would have ladies come to their hotel rooms and dance naked for them for entertainment, while the 90s and noughties saw the proliferation of strip clubs in Nigeria. What Instagram has done is pushing the market of these ladies to the International Community.

Truth be told that the woman’s nyansh has lost its value, especially to the old school like me, and it will get worse.

There is no going back from this point. We have completely lost it.

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COVID Champions League: Kano drop points as FCT close in on second

3/5/2020

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After two days of massive up turn in their fortunes, Kano State have slowed down in the COVID19 Champions League according to results released on
Saturday night by the National Center for Disease Control, NCDC.

In Saturday night’s results, two hundred and twenty new cases were confirmed, but unlike the previous two nights that Kano State topped the ranking, this time they were third on the new infections list.

Lagos State maintained their grip at the top of the table as they added 62 infections to the list on Saturday, while the FCT made a strong push to retain second position when they polled a total of 52 new infections.

Kano who had been on a roll in the last two days added just two infections, a figure that set tongues wagging.

Kaduna State in with a shout

Kaduna State got a season high of 31 new infections on Saturday while Sokoto got 13 news ones.

From figures released by the NCDC it seems as though the scourge of the COVID19 pandemic is affecting the northern states more than it is the south, Lagos state, the epicenter, being the only exception.

There were no new states recording infections within the last twenty four hours as Kogi and Cross Rivers States remain the only ones without a positive case so far.

Highlights of the day

According to the NCDC, On the 2nd of May 2020, 220 new confirmed cases and 17 deaths were recorded in Nigeria.

No new state has reported a case in the last 24 hours.

Till date, 2388 cases have been confirmed, 385 cases have been discharged and 85 deaths have been recorded in 34 states and the Federal Capital Territory

The 220 new cases are reported from 19 states- Lagos(62), FCT(52), Kaduna(31), Sokoto(13), Kebbi(10), Yobe (9), Borno(6), Edo(5), Bauchi(5), Gombe(4), Enugu(4), Oyo(4), Zamfara(3), Nasarawa(2), Osun(2), Ebonyi(2), Kwara(2), Kano(2), Plateau(2).

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We are all like E-crack and SARS as it is Nigerian nature to kill

26/2/2020

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Port Harcourt and the Nigerian police have been in the news in the past month due to the incident at the Special Police squad, known as E-crack.

As the story was told, a certain motor mechanic, Chima and his apprentices were arrested by the police for driving against traffic. Five of them were tortured and branded as cultists and armed robbers, but Chima unfortunately died in detention.

The news broke, and Nigerians are livid. The idea of the piece is not to recall the story. No! We all know it or we can search online for different versions of the story, but are we not all like the E-crack team? A violent people? Aren’t all Nigerians really violent people?

Violence and wickedness is in us, all of us as Nigerians

I was on radio some time last year and we were discussing the Nigerian football league and fans violence. The question was asked why Nigerian football fans think the only solution to what you call poor refereeing decisions is to physically manhandle the referees and I answered thus…

As a teacher what do you do when your student is recalcitrant or fails to get an answer right? You flog or beat

As a madam at home, what do you do when your house help does wrong? You most likely beat her.

As secondary school students in Nigeria in the 80s and 90s, why were we so eager to get to the senior classes? So we can begin to punish or torture the younger ones. Infact there have been cases where younger students have been killed in boarding facilities after severe punishment or torture by senior students.

When Nigerians catch a person on the streets suspected to be a thief, what is our default mode? We torture and most times kill him. We either beat him to death, put a rubber tire around his neck, pour petrol and burn him, hammer a six inch nail into his head or force him to drink a mixture of cement in water. These are every day Nigerians on the streets with violent tendencies.

Now is there any difference between us and the E-crack team who tortured and killed Chima the mechanic in detention? Or the men of the Special Anti-Robbery Squad, SARS who kill innocent Nigerians every day?

We are all the same and while we point fingers at the E-crack team, let us realise that a few are pointing at us.

I am not a police apologist

Now this seems like I am here to make a case for the Nigerian police but it is way out of it.

The Nigerian police have failed the country. The rank and file see the police as a means of making illegal money for themselves, harass hapless Nigerians and kill those who they suspect to have committed a crime.

My own extreme should be to scrap the Nigerian police, or do away with every one that is not a university graduate and kick start fresh recruitment. Not like the graduates are all straight headed people but it goes a long way to reduce the number people in the force who have no business there.

Let us have fresh recruitment with stiff criteria of entry.

Having said that, the crux if the matter, is, “Are the police acting the way they have done because they wear the uniform or is this a typical Nigerian behavior?

A few years ago, we saw a video of four young boys at the university of Port Harcourt tortured and killed by a mob (none of them police men) because people thought they were armed robbers.

Now, whether they were armed robbers or not, they deserved, at least, a fair trial.

We saw in Bayelsa where a mob attacked two fellows in an SUV and after torturing them, burned them alive in their car. There was no police man involved in the attack. Just regular people like me and you.

We also saw videos of a female student at a University in the South West of Nigeria torturing a much younger female student because she suspected the young girl had sex with her boyfriend. We saw videos of the torture and she was not a member of the Nigerian police.

Let me ask you and you reading this piece…. If you are Nigerian and you grew up in Nigeria, what are the next words that come out of your mouth when you are arguing with a much younger person who is going beyond reason? Let me help you… “I will beat you o” or “I will slap you o.”

This is the default next statement from the majority. Are you a police officer? The spirit of torture and killing is in us as Nigerians and Africans and I will explain more here. It goes back to the 1400s and even beyond that.

A history of Nigerian people

Nigerians have had a history of violence and I will take you back, down memory lane.

An 1859 report of Badagri goes, “Besides some slave traders at Whyddah, some English traders at Badagri attended these rites and I am informed by one of them that 800 humans were slaughtered, that some 2000 was the number intended to be sacrificed, but it was impossible to obtain so many.”

A 1789 report goes thus, “The mouth of the (Lagos) river is very shallow and dangerous and many boats belonging to English vessels with their crews have been lost in entering it… At the eastern extremity there are a few large trees, which are covered with the heads of malefactors. The skulls are nailed to their trunks and large limbs and present a very appalling spectacle…”

1826 in Lagos, “The king and his courtiers take bites out of the hearts of prisoners and drink their blood.”

1829 in Lagos, “Oshiloku of Lagos died, and Adele with the help of Badagri tried to attempt to seize the throne, but he was defeated and Oshiloku’s young son, Idewu was adopted as heir. Bambani, Adele’s chief captain, was captured by Lagosians who nailed his right hand to his head, lopped off the other hand like a twig and after parading him through the streets, struck off his head which they sent to Adooley (the king of Badagri)”

A lot of these examples are from Lagos, but time and space would not permit me to give similar examples of beheading, capture and consumption of humans in the East and the Calabar/ Ikot Ekpene region or sometimes just plain brutality.

This confirms my assertions (MINE) that we are a barbaric and violent people whether we wear the police uniform or not. Wearing the uniform just adds impunity to it.

What then can we do about police brutality?

Asides reforming the police force by doing away with any one with qualification below a University degree, there must be quarterly psychological evaluation of all officers in the police and military.

The police and Armed Forces must have only Nigerians who are stable mentally or else they will kill us all some day.

It is not the fact that they wear a uniform and carry a gun that make them kill, but the fact that they are Nigerian. This is who we are. A violent and barbaric people.

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